Sunday, September 20, 2009

Who shall join me in Sin City courtesy of fine folks @ Macanudo?

Although not a huge fan, your faithful scribe has never turned down offer of a Macanudo cigar. Generally regarded as a fairly faint stick, it should be noted the brand has developed some more full-bodied smokes as of late. To promote such, the company is running a "Macanudo Millionaire" contest thru the end of October. As they say, no purchase necessary to enter.

Why am I interested in such PR drivel? Ah, because the contest involves a 200 word essay! Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!! Topic is supposed to involve why prospective entrant is best qualified to be brought to Las Vegas for public espousal upon the prime virtues a Macanudo possesses.

Below, for your considered appreciation, is my pithy entry. I understand that after being awarded (indubitably) the prize, I'm entitled to bring along several "buddies" to Sin City, get a roulette spin for $1M and at least two Playboy Playmates are made available for several hours of PG-13 groping.

Besides not allowing anyone aside from the (seemingly) retinally deformed 'Slap Chop' guy to get "up in your grill" during a mano-y-mano encounter, a lit Macanudo has a myriad of other yet-undiscovered benefits.

First, it gets rid of 1/2 the walking population due to their insipid 'feelings' about cigars. Splendid! As Darwin wrote, "Sometimes the herd needs to be thinned for its own good".

Second, the mentally salubrious effect of a Macanudo will ably assist you to axe from consideration all those seeking to shine you worse than a '88 Oldsmobile Caprice just back from Earl Scheib. Up North we call such malcontents 'hosers' & the Canadian government has proven their genetic aversion to quality cigar smoke. It's a fact, Jacque.

Third, chicks dig Macanudo! Not since Peggy Lee crooned 'Big Spender' has there been a better embodiment of the lyric "real distinction" when applied to a stag on the stalk, baby.

So, in conclusion, I should be selected for the Vegas trip so I might expound further on this critical postulate of "Personal Stick Management Technique" to the many unfortunately ignorant of its powerful dynamic. As I'm sure the Nobel Committee will second, my selflessness in this endeavor is rivaled only by Mahatma Gandhi's pacificism, the late William F. Buckley's conservatism or Henry Hill's post-"Casino" real-life recidivism!

In the immortal words of Prime Minister Churchill, "God speed and where's my lighter?".

Applications for joining me on the trip will be accepted to my internet address post haste. Hopefully the vast volume will not cause local digital high-speed provider to crash their server worse than ex-Sen. Edwards' ranking as "Good Housekeeping" 'Man Of The Year'.

Front-runner is lass to left - presently @ Berlin Institute for Advanced Bratwurst Studies to investigate relationship of hyperbolically-treated folic acid vis-a-vis enhanced photogenesis in a topographically retrograded biosphere. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!