"Yeah, but how funny are you in 'real' life?"

A query your scribe is posed on routine basis due to excessive mirth inspired by defly-crafted ripostes populating blog presently being read. To answer above as best as possible, offer below as 'Exibit A'.

It is an actual work e-mail from this past week to one of my subordinates (Samantha) who familiarly starts all her e-mails with salutation of "Hey". 'Sam' was requesting authorization for one of her colleagues so that something somewhat consequential now could be done in one of the myriad software systems my groups must navigate. It should be noted that this e-mail copied all the individuals involved in this mundane administrative task + others named in my reply.

Usually a simple "Approved" w/ the muckety-muck's name put on the form, is the e-mail received to such requests. [As in this electronic age, only $ obligations above the cost of an Arturo Fuente Opus X (see left "family" shot) require actual signatures.] At least that's what the IT representative mentioned to me the next day while still, obviously, confused about getting below. Ah, but where's the joy in life then?

Hey Sam!
I much prefer corned beef hash to ham.

On the form above I have affixed name that I am.

Tonite I’m takin’ the Blushin’ Bride for a Denny’s Grand Slam.

Usually put pepper jelly on my biscuit rather than any kind of jam.

Although unfortunately not a Southern man by birth, still tend to call ladies above 18 ‘Ma’am’.

If Alexander K. put a device on top of my computer to record my day, it no doubt would have to be called a ‘Genius Cam’.

My intelligence compared to Mr. Doug P.'s has got to be roughly same distance as the water at the bottom to the top of the Hoover Dam.

... and as Stephen Wright's character once said, "The hits just keep comin' on K-BILLY & the Super Sounds of the '70's!".

Making FaceBook mirth over the holidays ...

Because below will be deleted no doubt, I spotlight a soon-to-be fleeting post your scribe put upon a friend's FaceBook 'Wall' concerning her father's impending European trip to see her husband & herself plus a request of the Dad on my behalf. The picture of 'Eggs' B. was included in my effort for - at the very least - the sheer jauntiness of the Papal chapeau donned.

By the way, can you get Denny [Father] - whilst our fav Catholic Prof. is in Europe - to straighten-out current Archbishop of Rome - 'Eggs' B. - on his quixotic attempt to beatify Pope Pius XII.

My pastrami pals from Carnegie Deli can't comprehend why someone who turned a blind eye to gas chamber deportation of +1K of their tribesmen right under Vatican's nose (literally), is now being coddled for canonization? Sholom.

If schadenfreude were net wealth, I'd be Warren Buffet right now!

Oh my. Ambien-induced sex with skank choir of not-so-stealth surrogates & all-capped by a cover-up not orchestrated this poorly since Betty Currie tried taking Monica's blue dress to dry cleaners!

Never liked Tiger; didn't dislike either. Found Eldrick boring in comments & too cautious/bland [Hah! (looking back)] for lack of public stands (such as not opposing Augusta exclusion of women). Also - per man's POV - his on-course behavior is poor. Cursing perturbs as kids hang on his every syllable, but it's his perpetual petulance at less than Zeus-like results which prove most grating.

What was obvious is Tiger has been constructing a public persona to project him beyond the golf realm, specifically into politics. Earl Woods, his father, admitted this. I had no truck with such; Tiger is a demonstrably intelligent chap. His plan to accomplish this lofty non-graphite ambition was carefully calibrated - only wholesome endorsements for El Tigre, a (vainly) self-named 'Foundation' focusing on children's education + a non-edgy public persona that oozed vanilla appeal.

Fine; "No harm, no foul". Point taken that a truly charitable person would not have set-up a whole other infrastructure to benefit public, but, instead, just would have cut a check to one of the hundreds of already-going good works concerns. Ulterior motives have their place to benefit the public weal, as Locke wrote, so this can slide. Turned-out however that another English chappy of yore, 'Mr. Shakey' of Public Theatre fame, would provide line which proves to have most penetrating (pun intended) insight into what this multicultural golfing phenom was really all about.

"She doth protest too much, me thinks", as the Old Bard once so famously wrote. Ah,yes. Perhaps that's why Tiger named his mega-yacht 'Privacy'? Makes one wonder how far back this appalling + pathetic pathology of arrogance extends [and what the hell he was thinking]?

Besides knowing Phil Mickelson somewhere is sitting in front of a wide-screen TV - his recovering wife's now non-cancerous bosom nestled next to his - and laughing his fat ass off, I'm hard-pressed to come-up with anything this extraordinary since ... really don't know. Pres. Clinton was a known womanizer, so Ms. Lewinsky's tryst didn't have a surprise factor. Only thing I can think of is situation if - while the famed aviator was still alive - existence of Charles Lindbergh's other/Deutschen family had been revealed. Being firm believer in schadenfreude - peculiarly German concept of taking delight in other's misfortune - must confess I haven't been this stoked since ... never. "And the truth shall set you free" ... maybe not, eh, Tiger?

That's all. Sometimes you just have to step back from the masterpiece and let minimalism + conjecture complete the canvas' deliciously ironic final strokes. Plus anymore mirth inducement might lead to some gents in surgical garb standing above me while bellowing, "Clear!". Such would negatively impede ability to witness the few further Bavarian pretzel turns I suspect this debacle still is set to yield.

Final parting/cheap shot: Understand EA has secured rights to new combo video game of 'Tiger Woods Golf' meets 'Grand Theft Auto'. In new set-up Tiger has to not only win U.S. Open, but "keep his pimp hand very strong" by smacking-down uppity wife while maintaining a reserve of "hush money" to silence ex-Bimbettes. Reported Eldrick also gets to "cap the ass" of any protesting PGA-ers with shank-like 2 iron. Scheduled to be out no later than 2010 Master's!

Leadership lessons from 'The Godfather'

The chopped-off horse’s head layin’ in splendorous silk sheets, “Sleeps with the fishes”, even Michael Corleone’s public kiss of his brother, Fredo, to let him know he’s going to have him ‘wacked’ … all these are clichés from ‘The Godfather’ which have burrowed their way deeper into our pop culture than anything outside of Robert Duvall’s ‘Apocalypse Now’ soliloquy re the pleasing aroma a bit of napalm can provide at day’s dawning.

As clichés go, these are pretty damn good. Great as the movies are, a re-reading of Mario Puzo’s original is well worth it. There are whole chunks of the book – just as rich in narrative as what you've seen in the films – still untouched. Ever wondered, for example, what happened to Lucy Mancini [right] after Sonny bought it on the Causeway?

What the book, due to its format, explores in more depth are lessons for what it is to be a leader of men. I perceive Puzo’s book really as a character study on what it is to be a man and the meaning of code to defining character regardless of morality. Whoa … heavy!

Rather than pontificate pedantically, let me offer instead what I purport are the key lessons from ‘The Godfather’ (primarily the book) on how to be a leader of men:

1.) “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”

This is probably the most well-known lesson from ‘The Godfather’ and is fairly obvious. Puzo attributes this trait to the Sicilian character, but really it’s a kind of functional duplicity which can be seen in all walks of life since Judas [smoochin' left] asked his Narzarene buddy not to bogart the matzoh despite bringin’ some fine wine for their dinner.

2.) Loyalty trumps smarts – The lesson of Clemenza v. Tessio

Movie & book's beginning both center on marriage day of Connie Corleone, only daughter of Vito (a.k.a. ‘The Godfather’). It's said repeatedly that traditionally no Sicilian can refuse a favor asked by a friend on day of their daughter’s giving-away. With such understood, it’s not surprising that more paisans line-up during the event to beseech Don Vito than creditors trying to get a piece of Bernie Madoff [right].

As Puzo emphasizes, all are doing this because of their “respect” for the Don. That word is a substitute, in essence, for friendship. Not the kind we would usually associate with the word, but instead it’s used in the sense of a debt that is voluntarily owed as return for an actual favor or prospect of needing one for the future. It is the construction of this “wall of friendships”, as Don Vito calls it in the book, which insulates one against the injustices of the world and is only undergirded by the even more sacrosanct bond of family.

So who is entitled to such “friendship”? All those willing to show fealty, as is literally demonstrated by the kissing of the Don’s ring. However the overt offering of obsequiousness by one’s followers is not enough to lead men successfully. Puzo proves this in the contrast painted between Don Vito’s two caporegimes [Military equivalent of corps commanders] – Peter Clemenza & Salvatore Tessio [dourly left].

From the git-go, the corpulent Clemenza is depicted as a jovial lover of life – enjoying its fruits and in ending it for those who dared to oppose his Padrone, Don Vito. In the book, it is clearly stated that Clemenza is kept under a much tighter leash in his ‘territory’ than his opposite number, Tessio. One could reasonably presume that Don Vito – in judging his two key lieutenants – thought more highly of Tessio’s talents than those of his fat friend, Clemenza. Right?

In the 1st movie’s most fateful scene at Don Vito’s gravesite, Michael, his youngest son + inheritor of ‘the family business’, says to his closest confidante he knows Tessio has planned a meeting at which he, Michael, will be assassinated. His confidante, somewhat flabbergasted, asks Michael why Tessio would try this compared to temperamental Clemenza? “Because it’s the smart play; Tessio was always smarter,” Michael answers.

Most hearing such still don’t learn the lesson Puzo is proposing – loyalty trumps smarts.

No, some jackass with blind devotion is not the ideal. However, when given a choice, a leader should opt for loyalty – “skin in the game”, as we say today – rather than sheer brainpower. [Think here, also, of Halberstam’s “The Best and the Brightest” as further testimony why human intelligence only can be dangerous (much less desirable)] Tessio, as the book depicts, was used quite effectively by Don Vito during his career. 'Sallie' played an integral part in solidifying the Don's control of the New York crime world. In the end that service only got Tessio the right to be taken away to a car compacting lot of his choosing for a more dignified demise than summary execution.

This is the most important lesson by far. It can be used as a springboard to understand, for example, the primal importance of the personal relationship between Generals Grant & Sherman which kept the latter in the field and, as a result, preserved the Union. More to come on this hypothesis in future posts.

3.) Always have a wild card – The importance of Luca Brasi

Probably due to space considerations, the movie only offers a very cursory view of Luca Brasi's character. The Johnny Fontane story is told by Michael to his eventual bride, Kay, about how Luca “helped” his father convince a famous bandleader to sign a contract with the aid of focusing the musician’s attention on the large caliber handgun resting at his temple. Certainly the actor, Lenny Montana, playing Luca could not have been better suited. Lastly – after meeting his demise – Luca’s bulletproof vest is delivered with a dead fish to signify that he now resides underneath several hundred feet of water, i.e. “sleeps with the fishes”, and thereby gives us a key zeitgeist line to be re-quoted endlessly.

What the movie doesn't explore is Luca's role helping build Don Vito’s empire. Puzo in the book calls Brasi a “key pillar” of the Godfather’s strength. L.B. is accorded this status because he can “kill without confederates” and is attributed with single-handedly taking-out 6 of the opposition in a 2 week span during some troubles years before Connie’s blessed day. He is Don Vito’s wildcard – a man so vengeful, so unnatural in his bloodlust that other hardened killers fear him.

Puzo traces how Vito Corleone befriends Luca and provides him a repository for devotion which this killer seeks to give to at least one other entity in the universe [God, humanity & civilized behavior all having been chucked by Luca as the book amply + disturbingly documents]. The lesson is the Don is under no illusion about Brasi. Luca is likened to “dynamite” and the Corleone consiligiere sees that this primordial man makes "even The Godfather a little nervous” during their meetings.

All leaders need a wild card to keep the opposition in line; ‘The Godfather’ had Luca Brasi in spades (so to speak).

4.) The benefits of appearing weak to your opposition

This sounds counter-intuitive. After all, doesn’t the perception of weakness beget the tendency for your enemies to want to come after you? Yes and no; we’re talking strategic deception here, not [far left] Neville Chamberlain-like appeasement.

To appear to be weak for no reason, is not the lesson of ‘The Godfather’. In the book this is much more amply delved into and the movie gives only superficial exploration of this concept during Michael’s consolidation of power at the end of the first fill-um by elaborately “orchestrating” the murders of the heads of the other four major crime families plus, for good measure, Moe Green & his own brother-in-law, Carlo Rizzi.

The book gives us a much longer lead to this denouement and shows it to be the last bit of cunning genius from Don Vito before shuffling off (peacefully) his mortal coil. Between them, Don Vito & Michael purposely planned to appear to not be defending the turf of their two caporegimes (and, in the process, antagonizing both of them) while, clandestinely, building a secret regime under Rocco Lampone. This specific tactic serves the dual purpose of drawing-out the traitors in their own ‘family’ while giving false confidence to their enemies that the Corleones were ripe to be overthrown. When Vito dies and the vultures begin to circle, the late Don’s final strategy is sprung by Michael just after the infamous baptism of his sister’s child to whom he stands-in as the lad’s literal Godfather.

Difference here is the Corleones knew they had enemies and most of us think foolishly we don’t. If a leader is to be successful, this beneficial lesson must be preceded by a good look around to recognize the world isn't full of their mutual admiration society members. For a leader who can do such & have patience to play this delicate endgame, the results – as Michael reaped – can devastate their opposition.

So, how relevant is all of this? You can be the judge, but let me, vis-a-vis my thesis above, point-out a few flies in the proverbial ointment:

- The world depicted in ‘The Godfather’ is not just predominantly, but exclusively, male-directed. Vito Corleone believes women + children are a completely separate genus and do not subscribe to any of his precepts. That, obviously, is not the case in the real world today and therefore above is not nearly as prescriptive as a result.

- The concept of a man living by a code has been subsumed, by and large, within various forms of morality – mostly those of evangelical Christianity. I’m not here to argue if this is good or bad, but no one, for example, thinks of themselves anymore in terms of their status as a ‘Hemingway code hero’ and “being afraid of death, but not afraid of dying”. That kind of masculine self-conception, at least for forseeable future, is way past gone.

- The core family values of ‘The Godfather’ really no longer exist. I’m not saying things are better or worse, but some of the natural things Don Vito presumed are no longer valid. Divorce is rampant, not just the exception. A concept of duty to something beyond oneself – usually for “one’s own blood” as Santino emphasizes to Michael when the latter joins the Marines after Pearl Harbor – isn't a part of our culture outside the military.

All above cited plus discounted, still I maintain firmly that ‘The Godfather' can be read as a canon on how to be a leader of (primarily) men, as well as a terrific story. If you liked either of the first two movies [I’ll omit reference kindly to last installment], then, please, pick-up the book for a quick spin at very least. You’ll thank me! [Self-portrait below]

Random bits: Tournament golf, product idea & Twitter returnee!

"There is golf and there is tournament golf. The two bear no resemblance to one another." - Bobby Jones

Truer words have rarely been spoken. Yesterday played first Best-Ball leg of interclub grudge match with Grove Park C.C. Always a nice schadenfreude experience watching grown men hack-up whole chunks of self-esteem like a college freshman four hours into an inaugral binge-drinking fest. Corollary to this is "I didn't think he could fit that many platinum horseshoes up there" reaction, which is only logical one to watching an admitted duffer hole-out from off-the-green for the third time on same 9 for a net par. Prism of tournament play pressure brings both ends of this spectrum into simultaneous sharp relief.

For myself this was first opportunity to see if new swing paradigm held-up to strain described above. It did. I've now reverted fully to my ages 8-14 [Ford-Carter Administration] baby cut with a degree of elasticity plus tempo possibly approximated only by platform dive-like pouring of syrup @ your local IHOP.

"Promise to keep a box by bedside with your face emblazoned on tip ..." - Mrs. CGB

Such is sacred pledge espoused at dinner last night by my Blushing Bride in event I prematurely shuffle-off my mortal coil and she - after decent interregnum of at least a couple of weeks - begins to entertain new applicants to her portals of connubial pleasure. Personally, I think this is a killer idea above & beyond my spouse's snide comment. I see divorced men lining-up to slap-on images of ex-wives and being positively silly in delight they'll derive when (fully) using product. Lets get the silk screen presses fired-up!

Only real question now is if I dive into these waters, so to speak, and harvest this potential sunken booty of filthy lucre, will Mrs. CGB deign to lower herself to acknowledging the source of such publicly? Smart money is instead on her rapid generation of cover story that ole Uncle Red invented concept of 'White Sale' for linens south of Mason-Dixon line and class action suit got settled quite belatedly in favor of her 'Bama kinfolk. This would serve dual purpose of kicking-away spotlight from moi and, also, lining-up closet Rebs for her annual 'Jeb Davis Grits & Canapes Cotillion'.

Lastly I'm delighted that a good old friend, H.L. Mencken, is active again on Twitter.

After presumably an extended Bavarian bout of indigestion from his last Ocktoberfest revelling, the Bard of Balitmore is now bellowing weekly at the Scopes Monkey trial backbenchers and their daily boobism. A young snap of our Teutonic freund is to the right.

May his leave from the Internet never be so long again and, please, support his efforts by checking-out his august Twitter missives. You'll thank me, I'm sure, for suggestion!

My beautiful Madison County!

I am very pleased to live where I do. Let me state that upfront.

Also I enjoy tremendously the local history. Mrs. CGB & I literally live down the street from a finely restored farmstead that was birthplace to Zebulon Vance, the famous No. Carolina Civil War Governor & last Whig politician of note. If you enjoy American history, you couldn't be better situated here other than Washington, DC or Gettysburg.

Lastly - as I end my string of preferatory mea culpas - might I add the neighboring county, in particular, is known for its tradition of clan politics. There are three main families which have dominated the area, Madison Co., since before ole Zeb, referenced above, was a pup.

I had on staff till recently a gent from most prominent of these three trunks of none too distantly spread-out kinfolk. This beautiful, remote and, unfortunately, poor corner of western No. Carolina, is stunningly gorgeous when the odd trailer doesn't creep into view. A picture of the still functioning county courthouse in Marshall is above as Exhibit A.

All that said, I got to admit that some of what I see could be straight from "Deliverance" lost footage. As Exhibit B to support my rather bold claim, below is from today's local paper (Madison County News-Record & Sentinel) printed, perhaps, 20 minutes down Rt. 25 from our 'Cottage of Perpetual Love and Understanding' (a.k.a. CoPLaU):

Warm buck of spit saves Madison County home from arson

Madison officials say a disgruntled ex-wife tried to burn her former husband’s home down, but the flames were extinguished by the contents of a melting spittoon. (She) faces charges of attempted arson, B/E & burning personal property.

According to Madison County Sheriff’s Detective Randy Bradford, Sharon Shelton, 66, the second of three ex-wives of Gerald Shelton, tried to enlist the help of ex-wife number three to burn down Shelton’s home. Authorities say Sharon Shelton sent a typewritten letter to the other ex-wife. “The letter said, ‘if you want to get even with him, burn the house down,’” Bradford said. But the third ex-wife instead reported the letter to authorities, who warned Gerald Shelton of the threat.

Last Tuesday, Sheriff Buddy Harwood said a call came in to Madison County Emergency Operations about a fire at the Shelton home, located on Joe Shelton Road. When detectives arrived they found that a blaze had started atop a table.

The fire had been contained to the top of the table. Harwood said the suspect had apparently “entered the rear of the residence, poured fuel on assorted papers, and lit those papers. Once the papers were lit, the suspect fled to Greeneville, Tenn.”

“The fire was extinguished by a spittoon" - a plastic spit container - " which was on the table. The fire got hot enough to melt the plastic,” Harwood said, and the spit flowed out, extinguishing the flames. [Thank Jesus on high!]

In honor of above near miracle, I understand our local Wal*Mart will be running a '2-fer-1' on Skoal this weekend.

Who shall join me in Sin City courtesy of fine folks @ Macanudo?

Although not a huge fan, your faithful scribe has never turned down offer of a Macanudo cigar. Generally regarded as a fairly faint stick, it should be noted the brand has developed some more full-bodied smokes as of late. To promote such, the company is running a "Macanudo Millionaire" contest thru the end of October. As they say, no purchase necessary to enter.

Why am I interested in such PR drivel? Ah, because the contest involves a 200 word essay! Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!! Topic is supposed to involve why prospective entrant is best qualified to be brought to Las Vegas for public espousal upon the prime virtues a Macanudo possesses.

Below, for your considered appreciation, is my pithy entry. I understand that after being awarded (indubitably) the prize, I'm entitled to bring along several "buddies" to Sin City, get a roulette spin for $1M and at least two Playboy Playmates are made available for several hours of PG-13 groping.

Besides not allowing anyone aside from the (seemingly) retinally deformed 'Slap Chop' guy to get "up in your grill" during a mano-y-mano encounter, a lit Macanudo has a myriad of other yet-undiscovered benefits.

First, it gets rid of 1/2 the walking population due to their insipid 'feelings' about cigars. Splendid! As Darwin wrote, "Sometimes the herd needs to be thinned for its own good".

Second, the mentally salubrious effect of a Macanudo will ably assist you to axe from consideration all those seeking to shine you worse than a '88 Oldsmobile Caprice just back from Earl Scheib. Up North we call such malcontents 'hosers' & the Canadian government has proven their genetic aversion to quality cigar smoke. It's a fact, Jacque.

Third, chicks dig Macanudo! Not since Peggy Lee crooned 'Big Spender' has there been a better embodiment of the lyric "real distinction" when applied to a stag on the stalk, baby.

So, in conclusion, I should be selected for the Vegas trip so I might expound further on this critical postulate of "Personal Stick Management Technique" to the many unfortunately ignorant of its powerful dynamic. As I'm sure the Nobel Committee will second, my selflessness in this endeavor is rivaled only by Mahatma Gandhi's pacificism, the late William F. Buckley's conservatism or Henry Hill's post-"Casino" real-life recidivism!

In the immortal words of Prime Minister Churchill, "God speed and where's my lighter?".

Applications for joining me on the trip will be accepted to my internet address post haste. Hopefully the vast volume will not cause local digital high-speed provider to crash their server worse than ex-Sen. Edwards' ranking as "Good Housekeeping" 'Man Of The Year'.

Front-runner is lass to left - presently @ Berlin Institute for Advanced Bratwurst Studies to investigate relationship of hyperbolically-treated folic acid vis-a-vis enhanced photogenesis in a topographically retrograded biosphere. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!